It Takes a Village

Tears welled up in my mom’s eyes. She could barely speak and choked back. We were all staring at her with tears gathering in our eyes.

“It takes a village, you know? And I would not have been able to raise this independent daughter who’s able to pursue her dreams if it weren’t for every single one of you. And many more.”

All of us gathered around the table.

At this point, we were all crying, thinking of fond memories. Visions flashed in my mind. Me going to college almost two hours away, learning how to drive, nearly burning the dorm’s kitchen down trying new recipes. Going on my first cruise, arriving at my first internship. A girls trip to Asheville, graduating college, getting my dog Reed. And then moving to a new city, hiking for the first time, and going on my first international trip. My Personal Care Attendants (PCAs) have all been with me through these moments and many more.

I started managing my own care when I turned 18 and went to college. This included all interviews, communication back and forth, training, scheduling, managing, and even firing at times. It’s honestly an additional full time job. PCAs are essential to my independent living but they are more than that. They’re true friends and a fundamental part in my story.

My PCAs who have worked for me post-college.

In the disability community, it is cautioned against having your PCAs become your friends. Or hiring your friends. It is a big no-no and strikes fear in all of us. Horror stories of people being taken advantage of, a victim of robbery, or worse, I have heard my entire life of blurred lines between PCA relationships. With open communication, I have personally found a great balance that works for me.

For the first time ever two years ago, I hired someone who was a friend first and then became a PCA. I was absolutely terrified. Alarm bells screamed in my head of how this was a bad idea. But I truly believed she would be a wonderful employee and handle the job well. I decided to have a heart-to-heart with her and told her all my fears. I relayed she is my friend first and I value our friendship over our working relationship. She listened attentively and told me if at any point I wanted to fire her, I could and she would never be offended. She completely understood and assured me our friendship would come first. It turned out to be a great solution for both of our needs and we are still close friends.

So, I came up with an idea to throw a big party for my former PCAs. I wanted to celebrate being a manager for 10 years and being friends with so many of them. They have been there through some of my most intimate parts of life and still are to this day. It’s hard to put into words what they mean to me, and I wanted to thank them for all they have done for me. And commend this historic accomplishment for myself. I could’ve given up at any point. I could’ve thrown in the towel but I love having PCAs. I love having control over my life and care.

I wouldn’t throw just any party though. No, this would be a huge party with excellent food at a venue with decorations, music, a photo booth, and the whole nine-yards. Not your typical party at a house with some store bought cupcakes. I told my mom this idea and she beamed at me. What a way to revolutionize a huge accomplishment that would be the equivalent of a shower or rehearsal dinner for a wedding.

My PCAs that worked for me while I was in college at UGA.

While throwing a party for having PCAs for 10 years isn’t a typical thing people do, I wanted to change that. Why not take a moment to honor this momentous feat? Why not celebrate?

To give you a glimpse, managing PCAs is hard work. I’ve cried from stress, wanted to go to events that didn’t align with people’s shifts, and had anxiety over trying to fill shifts that were still empty. The stakes are high because PCAs are essential to my daily living. I cannot get out of bed on my own. I cannot cook food on my own. Do my laundry. Go to the bathroom and so many more things. It’s easy to get trapped in that mindset of becoming bitter towards relying on people for a lot of your essential human functions. You can become resentful and burnout from the constant turnover or furious when someone doesn’t show up for their shift. And yes, all of those feelings are warranted when those things happen. It’s just important to not get stuck in that mindset.

These were the cards I have been dealt. How I want my care to be handled is up to me. Everyone has challenges they go through. Mine just happen to be a big one that relies on physical assistance from others. I’ve been put in a unique situation that has me relying on people in the most vital way possible. I choose to embrace this part of my life and see it as a unique opportunity. Which I believe requires unique approaches.

One of my best friends told me the people that need other people are the luckiest type of people. I used to scoff at this and roll my eyes. Yeah, it’s not so great relying on people when they accidentally mix your laundry so now all your whites are pink. It sucks when people put their problems on you and you’re already having a bad day. It’s especially the worst when people call out of their shift. Or quit and leave you scrambling.

Monica and I. She is famous for her quotes of wisdom to me. I now keep a collection.

You see how easy it is to get stuck in the negative? There are so many things in this world to complain about. And yeah, having PCAs sucks at times. But of all the people I’ve hired over the years, the majority are incredible, caring, and selfless. They have gone above and beyond being an employee and truly became a close confidant.

I gathered a list of my favorite PCAs and sent out invitations for this event. When I was in college, one of my PCAs joked that they’re all in a sorority with me. They would help recruit people for me and say, “Rush Marcella!” It was a hilarious joke throughout the years. Especially when my PCAs didn’t know each other and they would see each other on campus and be like, hey I know you! You work for Marcella.

The decoration! I had a friend 3D print the Greek letters. When I told him the letters, he said, “I’ve never heard of that organization before.” I said, “Yeah, because it doesn’t exist. Until now!”

I made the entire party sorority themed and took my initials and turned them into Greek letters. Mu Phi Gamma. I wanted gifts for each attendee and my amazing friend Corrie made gold bracelets with the Greek letters. I got adorable cute heart-shaped sunglasses. I wrote personalized cards to everyone that shared my favorite memories with them and made name tags. Everything was pink.

I asked my mom to select the venue. That’s a whole other story, but we landed on the gorgeous and welcoming The Third Space. It’s a beautiful restaurant that uses all farm-to-table ingredients and so much more. If you’re ever in the Atlanta area, you have to experience this magical place yourself.

The amazing Chef Shai who made this special day possible.

I invited friends from all 10 years I’ve managed PCAs. Some came who worked for me when I was in college, some just last year. Some I haven’t seen in years. It was a heartwarming reunion to say the least. To be so loved by so many and have made an impact on their lives and vice versa. One friend asked me, “So what do we say to you? We can’t say happy birthday or your typical things to congratulate you.”

“You can say happy 10 years of being a girl boss,” I responded. My mom started singing “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” and had a dessert with a candle in it I blew out.

With everyone gathered together, we all teared up seeing each other and catching up. It was heartwarming to hear people reminisce on funny stories of working for me. I was so touched by the shear amount of love in the room. I even made ice breaker games because I was worried that people wouldn’t have anything to talk about. Boy, was I proven very wrong. Everyone was so engaged with each other and compassionate. Laughter rang throughout the room. Most of the attendees haven’t ever met each other, but they acted like everyone was a lifelong friend. Filled with joy and radiance, relating with each other over a delicious meal.

They all shared times of ruining my food because of their lack of cooking skills. Or how they would have to race after me on the giant hills on campus while sweating through their clothes. Or when my dog was a puppy and a menace to all.

I said to one friend, “Anyone can get married. Not everyone can manage PCAs.” And that’s the darn truth. I’ve had to juggle many personalities, schedules, and strengths of others. Communicate constantly. When I was in college, I calculated that I had about 300 PCAs over the duration of four years. If I had to take a guess now, I would say past 500. 500 people!!!! That have assisted me with showering and been there when I wanted to cry and scream in frustration.

I want to pave the way to have big parties for accomplishments that are unique. Or different from the typical societal accepted ones. Traveling for a wedding should be the same as coming to a huge, unconventional party. We should reflect on our stories and how far we’ve come and celebrate our wins, no matter what they are or look like.

I couldn’t live the fulfilling life I do if it weren’t for my community of outstanding PCAs and friends. Community is essential to my survival. Not only mine, but all humans are hardwired to have connections with others. We’re built to desire deep relationships with others. It is often seemed as weak to ask for help from others. It is seen as strange to go to events without your partner. Or to take time for just yourself. Now more than ever, people are struggling to find genuine relationships. We all need others, no matter your circumstances.

Community is more than just knowing lots of people. It’s having people in your corner cheering you on for a new job opportunity. It’s leaning on someone when you’re at your lowest and they visit you in the hospital. It’s when a storm is coming through and people check up on you. It looks like all your supporters contributing to a GoFundMe for you to experience a dream of an international trip.

For the party, some people drove five hours to attend. Others called off work to be there. One person hadn’t even finished packing for her flight the next morning! To have others make this event a priority in their life amongst the busy holiday season was the greatest gift to me. Showing up is one of the kindest things you can do for your community.

I’ve sort of been forced to create community for myself. But I wanted to make it more than just hiring people. I want to foster meaningful connections and stay in contact. Let’s embrace this vital need for community and recognize it. I hope relying on others will be seen as a strength and not a weakness. That relationships come to us in various ways and are no less or more than others.

This incredible event couldn’t have happened without the unwavering support of my family, my current and former PCAs, their families, the sincere staff from The Third Space, and so many more.